This is my..DeAth Note

●Dear● -Dead- ●Diary● ♥♥♥

This is a story of me, my life and my experience.
I'm MIcheLlE.
I am not held responsible for any forms of vulgar comments and personal opinions in this blog.
Read it at your own risk, by all means,
If you find it offensive and inappropriate,
Dear you, just simple, DON'T read.

~P.E.r.I.o.d~

(Saturday, September 13, 2008-)
+9:37 PM]*

# -

Bias..bias..all pure bullshits.

I seriously don't like my closed ones at home at times. They tend to be unfair towards me. I've tried so hard to uphold my anger and disappointment on how they unfairly treated me all along.

At times I felt like bursting up into tears and they said I'm over sensitive. They told me not to think so negatively and what not. I felt so appalled by this... I am really really upset..

And so you may think that I lead a normal perfect life with my own car to drive, a room of my own and so called oh-so-nice family to live with, yeah.. no doubt I'm rather lucky and thankful to have them in my life.. I thank God for that and thankfully everyone is still here for me.

But somehow, I can't help to think that they are just simply.. so quick to judge.
I can really feel that my mom is always constantly fire back my words if I said something that she don't agree with.

Eg. Steamboat buffet. I told her that it is very reasonable to go to that Sunway area to eat the steamboat as it is only RM20 per person and it's like.. all you can eat kinda thing. Then she said it's so expensive and not worth it.. So then my aunt maybe.. just maybe realised that she's being too selfish that she said she'll go with me and leave my mom alone. Then today when I went steamboat with them.. my mom said it's worth it going to the steamboat buffet. LOOK WHO's TALKING now.

Eg. Soup to boil. First, she asked me what soup I wanna drink this weekend. Then she asked my sis. We both wanted some different soup. At last, as usual my sis will get the higher priority and yeah.. she got it at last. They don't even bother telling me that they'll boil my soup next weekend cause they didn't even intend to. Then maybe..just maybe my sis felt something and asked them.. what's the point of asking us both then if one of us don't get what we want? And yeah, I'm the one always got left out.

Eg. Food to choose. I remembered one time that I went to eat with my family, and they wanted to order something, I can't remember what. Very obvious, when I wanted some assam fish, they said I can't have it cause my sister had it for lunch. Then when my sis wanted something which I've already eaten for lunch, they don't give a shit.

Eg. Then just recently, she said she feared that some of our family members did not pick up the phone. Then she said "Yealah, like if I call Michelle and she go with someone else dono what she'll do with them.....tats y im scared." Do you even trust me? You don't trust my friends or your daughter? or both? Really such a pain in the ass.. I just hold back and said nothing to avoid myself from any problems again.

Eg. I went out with Najlaa and Nellyn for Naj's bday. I came home around 10pm, and straight off to bed. I told my mom via sms that 9 sth only Naj got her cake and we gotta wait for other of her friends to come along and celebrate. The following day, she open my room door and asked me.." Are you ok? Why last night so late cut cake? Why not after dinner?" with her tone that she does not trust my words at all. Then she said ok and closed back my door. You know, those little things she did made me feel like she don't trust me at all. So what's the point of me telling the truth when the truth told are thought to be lies instead?

Should I lie? Since the truth is always not convincing.

Eg. Getting good grades for my SPM. Yeah, my cousin got 1k from my uncle. My sister got angpow from them too. Even my cousin who didn't get good grades got money from them too...Me? Me?? I got absolutely nothing. NOTHING. Not that I mind that you don't give me but I just felt like my hardwork is not appreciated.

Eg. Uncle from far far away. He called my dad and talk awhile, then to my sister. Since yeah, my sister will be a doctor in no time, no doubt that she'll shine through and get most of the attention. You know what, he didn't even bother talking to me. All he wants is to talk to my sis and that's really all.

I really felt like weeping you know..... It's like, no matter how hard I tried to be a good daughter to her and to everyone else but I still get the same old treatment. Sigh....

I just felt like getting away from home as soon as I get my degree to some other place for my government service or so. Or rather, just go somewhere else to work rather than working in KL.
I don't feel the closeness with them. They won't ask me about my personal life or whatsoever. They only will go to my sis's room and ask her about her life not mine. I'm so sad!! I'm really am... I just don't feel they cared about my feelings and all. I tried so hard to be as good but I just could not.

I will always be the second best to them. I will never win.

They will always think I'm not matured enough and assume that I'm always at the wrong side.

Am I being too sensitive? Am I? Do you think I'm too dramatic?

Well... you gotta experience it to find out.

Haih. I don't know what to say already. Those little things and words will always have a scar on my head, my skin and my mind. I will always remember how you treated me like you always used to.

5 .deaths.
And the story ends like this...period.
By: M i c [ H e L L ] e .
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________®