This is my..DeAth Note

●Dear● -Dead- ●Diary● ♥♥♥

This is a story of me, my life and my experience.
I'm MIcheLlE.
I am not held responsible for any forms of vulgar comments and personal opinions in this blog.
Read it at your own risk, by all means,
If you find it offensive and inappropriate,
Dear you, just simple, DON'T read.

~P.E.r.I.o.d~

(Monday, February 15, 2010-)
+11:26 PM]*

# -

Family tree @ my uni. And guess what? I'm the ah-ma again. haihs?

I'm a mother in both ex working place and in uni. aduh~

One thing hits me hard.

What if...

I'm a mom? (real life scenario)

Hmm... I shall let my imaginations run wild.

To start things off, I don't really fancy kids. I don't love them like some other people crazy over them, overjoyed to see them. In fact, I kept my distance away. I don't know how to even make them happy. I don't like to act stupid. I don't like to make them laugh because I don't know how to.

Seriously, like making those 'kee-chak~!' and 'ang ku ku' voice to make the baby laugh.. gosh. Seriously, I felt so self-conscious and feels like the whole world is looking at me being so fake and stupid. Haha, no offence okay. I just don't know how to be with babies or kids.

Some even drive me nuts. They pulled my hair, pulled my earring, pulled my poor Swatch watch and all the beads came out and I have to find one by one at the bottom of the car seat... and you just have to act cool about it, and they acted like nothing, cried because they don't wanna get scolding, and yeah, like that. Then here comes the other parent, whom scolded them because they didn't behave, and I, the heroin of all, told them not to scold the poor kid who doesn't know what is right or wrong. ( I do know how the kids feel, because I think I experienced it myself. And crying is the best solution to avoid conflict, as well as to avoid apologising. hmm?! )

Another thing is that, will I even have the time to nurture them? Will I even have the patience to succumb the silly and demandful kids that will cry and bang their doors when I say I don't have the time to play with them? My answer is, not really. I don't think I have both time and patience to raise them up.

Huh, what about diapers.. midnight crying...poop and vomit everywhere... feeding them.. making them sleep...bathing them.. bringing them to get booster.. eyeing on them to avoid *gulps?* death.. eg. choking or taking my medic or even get toasted. bleh.

No no no... Just the thought of it makes me feel nauseated.

Then? what if I managed to get through those 15 years and here comes another problem.

Being a teenager. How to control them? How do you understand them? How do you make them feel like they're understood by their parents? How to make them listen to you? How to even make them feel that they are loved and cared by their moms?

For me, I've been into teenagehood not very long ago and I felt that my parents are not there for me simply because I was living with my grannie, aunt and uncle for the past 17 years. No regrets though. They taught me a lot. They taught me to be independent and my aunt is such a good example for me to follow. She's such a giver. She loves to spoil me with foods, and goods, and drives me back home when I'm having my co-curricular activities and treats me lunch when she's free on Friday. Those 17 years living with my grandmom and aunt were all good. I was thankful that I wasn't as stingy as my mom. Sorry to say, and I know she's my mom, the one who brought me into this world.. but... I just felt like, there's a gap between us.

I don't feel the closeness between my parents. I knew some of my friends, who loves their mom to death, and who are closer to their dad than their mom. I knew, some of my friends, talks their personal problems to their mom and their mom are sporting enough to just listen and give them good advise.

But no, not for me. I've always kept my personal problems to myself, because I knew always when I talk to her my problems, she would berate me for being stupid. For being foolish. No words of encouragement. Like for example:-

When I say :

I didn't do well for my exams, she would say "who ask you not to study harder"
So lifeless taking up this course, she would say "how can you say like that..."
I wanna eat steamboat, she would say "Why are you like that?''
I wanna buy this, she would say "Why are you always buying expensive stuff! I tell you, only rich man could afford to marry you!'' ** and the things I bought are just snacks. **
Going out with boys, she would say "Don't go out when you have no feelings on him''

And a whole lot more which I think I will take a year to finish it.

Instead of feeling better, I felt awful. Learnt my lesson, and all my problems will be kept inside my heart, and thankfully I have great friends who will always be there for me to listen. Not to mention, even my aunt always asked me how am I and how are things, at least too, I do tell her some of my problems.. and she will always listen and I felt better.

So, I've always say to myself, don't be like my mommy. Don't be, no matter what. I know both my mom and I are Aries people, where we are the ones who are sensitive and hot tempered, but sometimes, she doesn't know she's acting like me, and says me a sensitive person. I don't get her, she doesn't get me. So what's the point of communicating? Therefore, most of our talks are in general terms.

That said, it's not an easy task to be a mom, even after 20 years living with your own kid. You wouldn't know what your kid think of you, and you wouldn't wanna know what they feel about you because, you might just ended up into a major depression. Therefore, I can clearly say I am not quite a good candidate to become a mom myself, since I have no idol to mimic. *Saddens*

Thus, Michelle won't be a mom, not until you've counted 2920 days from today. haha. Have fun counting, and that is just a rough estimation, and probably if and only if I'm married. end!

0 .deaths.
And the story ends like this...period.
By: M i c [ H e L L ] e .
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